Oh, My Balls!

While giving Belly a bath last night, he started repeating lines he's heard from movies, TV and Youtube. One of them had the word "testicles" in it. So I asked him if he knew what testicles are, and he said no.
Now, Belly's quite big enough to wash himself these days, my Mom duty is only to wash his hair and face so he doesn't blind himself. So I explained that his testicles are below his penis. Of course he got out of the water and yanked it up and said, "You mean these?"
"Yes, dear, I mean those."
He then asks for a run down of penis neighborhood parts and functions. Ever try to explain a urethra to a five year old? Do try, because it's great just to hear them repeat the word.
The he says that there's one more thing down there, but he doesn't know what it is. I ask what, and he says,
"Balls."
with such innocence and openness.
He was delighted to find out that balls are testicles, and to finally get what all the jokes mean when someone gets hit "in the balls."
(You may be asking WHY on earth my five year old would hear those jokes. Two words - Mike Meyers)
So at this point he's out of the bath and getting dried off and I'm trying in vain to get him to stop saying BALLS. So I told him it's not something to joke about, they're private parts. He retorts that private parts aren't BAD. Touche. So I said that it's not a word for kids to say.
Then the light bulb goes off over his mischievous little cherub head and he says, "I won't say it at school, and I won't say it in front of Daddy. I'll just tell you!"
Then he had one last request. "Can I say one more thing?", he asks.
"Sure," I say.
He crouches in classic ball-shot position and yells, "Oh, my balls!"

Oh, the many joys of raising male children!

Where's the Rum?!

Spent Friday having fancy scans done on my eyes, because I'm having some sight issues. Yah, sight, that thing you need to drive, work, etc. They didn't find anything that points to VKH (the rare condition I'd been diagnosed with in 2006) Now there are just no answers about why my eyes are acting all wonky. All I know is my vision is changing, and not in a good way.
I've decided, if I go blind, I'll have to give up my plan to become a teacher. Instead, I'll be a pirate. And I'll wear 2 eye patches. And because I can't see, I'll sail in circles.
My name will be Shipwreck. And I'll hang out with Johnny Depp, of course. Ah, I love a pirate who appreciates a good red wine.

Playing Favorites

Last week, Hubs accused me of blatantly favoring our older son. And at the time, I probably was. You see, some days he's just so much... easier. He wants to please. He wants to be The Good One. He's very agreeable. Helpful. Empathetic.
And the Belly, well... he's the Belly. Some days he's an absolute joy to be with. Other days he's argumentative, stubborn, selfish, willfully defiant.
(And all this time I'd thought he took after Hubs - I may be wrong here)

How do you balance that, especially when the kids are 5 years apart?

Had a really rough day today. Wanted nothing more than to watch a Korean horror movie with an extra large glass of red wine by my side. But my mom came knocking, she'd had a bad day and needed someone to unload on. And so I listened and commiserated. She finally left, but then I found out the dog peed a river on the floor, so instead of relaxing, I started floor cleaning. 15 minutes later I *finally* drop down on the couch, then Belly walks in and says, "I can't sleep. Please come and sit with me?"
I wanted to be mad and scold him, I did. But I couldn't. I took his tiny hand and led him back to bed, where I kissed his head and held him until he fell asleep.

Maybe in the end, this whole favoring thing all evens out.

Oh, and then there's Rob Pattinson....

Defending My Honor

Dear readers,
Maybe you’ve noticed, I like to write. Every English class or creative writing class I’ve taken, I’ve sailed through. Writing is one of my strong points. Far more than speaking, math, art, etc. In my letters about Safe Haven, I can be passionate or persuasive. I can be informative or funny. I can get you fired up or make you cry. I. Can. Write.
However, the Illinois Certification Testing System says that I cannot.
You see, my test results were released today. Got a near perfect score on reading comprehension, but received the minimum passing score on the writing portion. I ask you, how can this be? Even math, the subject that I struggle with, I scored pretty well. But WRITING?! Who the hell scored this? Shakespeare?? Whose standard did I not live up to??!! I must know!

Things I've Screwed Up This Week

My bank account
My friend's birthday
Forgetting awards ceremony
AND forgetting the kids' spring concert.

I'm really on a roll now! Wednesday was the Spring Concert at the kids' school. Have I mentioned how much I love the school?? Anyway - FIVE minutes before we're set to leave, Daimean tells me he's supposed to dress like a hobo. So I whip up a hobo costume in five minutes. Then he tells me he can't find his shoes (while I'm desperately trying to find something approprate to wear in the 90 degree heat) but he's SURE they're in the car. Fine, I say, just put them on when you get in the car, and he proceeds to walk out in his socks.
Halfway to school I ask him if he's got his shoes on, and he says no, they must be at school.
After threatening to send him to a boarding school in Malaysia, we park and he walks into the school WITH NO SHOES ON. I have never been so embarassed in all my life.

Cloning 101

This is getting ridiculous. My brain obviously doesn’t work any longer. My internal calendar is broken.

First, I forget my BFFs birthday. Then today, I blank on an awards ceremony at an alternative HS. What the hell is wrong with me? And now that I think about it, I left a load of laundry in the washer this morning and forgot to throw it in the dryer before I left for work. *sigh* A mother’s work is never done.

You know who’s going to perfect cloning? A mom. Because we need to be in 6 places at one time, attend meetings, work, remember basketball practice, do laundry, cook meals consistently, pack lunches for field trips….. And it’s hardly possible for one person to do it all. And how am I supposed to manage going to school if I can’t get things straight NOW?!

I *did* actually make it to the awards ceremony, and brought the certificate of recognition with me. Thanks to a flexible work schedule, I can also pick up Belly at 3pm because he cried when I told him he needed to go to after care today. And when I get there, I’ll finish the laundry, check homework, prepare for BOTH of the financial aid meetings I have tomorrow, and possibly, maybe even cook dinner.

Stop the world. I want to get off!

I am a Terrible Human Being

You know when everything seems to be happening all at once,and it's all you can do to remember what day is it? Well guess what? I do NOT know what day it is. In fact, I'm four freakin days off.
Today I bought a birthday card for my best friend. It's a card that says "Sisters are a gift from God" and it shows an angel. On the inside, the angel has turned evil and it says, "An angry, vengeful God!"
I thought it was hilarious. And I actually said to myself, hurry up and mail this because you've only got two days until her birthday. Because her birthday is May 16th. Duh, because it falls on the same day every year, and has for the last 20 some years that I've known her.
So what's the problem?
I thought today was May 14th. And it is not.
Just checked my bank account online and was startled by the relatively large balance, because in my mind, it's not payday yet.
Which means not only did I *NOT* call my best friend on her birthday, I also am late in paying bills.
What the hell is wrong with me?! I've officially lost it. So where did those 4 days go? Have I been in a fog? A disassociative fugue??
I feel awful :(
And if you're reading this, Angie, I'm sorry that I'm an awful friend, and a terrible human being.