Wednesday, June 8, 2011

And the Most MisInterpreted Comment Award Goes To ...

New blog format - best part first!

Spoken by a male co-worker in the elevator - "And you know what else are delicious, salty balls of goodness?"

As I laughed so hard I gasped and quite literally stumbled out of the elevator, he adminoshed me for having a dirty mind, when all he was talking about were sardines. Back story, we were discussing fish and shellfish (and my aversion to both) when I amended my usual stance to say that I'd had veggie spring rolls at a friend's house, and they were topped with roe, and I found it to be delicious, salty balls of goodness.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Do Not Try This At Home

Let me just begin with the best part, then I'll explain. Besides, I know you appreciate knowing upfront whether reading this post is worth your time.

10:30pm, my son walks into the kitchen and asks why I'm standing at the counter with my hand in a bowl of milk.

Cause it's what all the cool kids are doing, of course. OR, the more likely reason, was that I'd read an old wives tale that says that milk neutralizes the capsaicin in jalapeƱos. Which I'd sliced and diced for dinner with bare hands, as I'd done a hundred times before with no problem. But this time, this mutant chili caused my hand to start burning.

And when I say burning? I mean I thought the skin was going to blister. I thought the pillow I laid my hand on would surely burst into flames. I thought, "Holy shit! This hurts!" and then "Sonofabitch when is this going to stop?" right before "Ohmygod seriously? It was just a stupid pepper!" followed by "Hey, this would make a funny blog post."

Obviously masturbation was out.

So off I went to the interwebs, to find suggestions for relief. Milk, sunburn gel, body powder and hydrocortisone are all worthless, people. I went to bed praying the skin wouldn't melt off my hand before morning. Telling myself that surely this is all in my head, and then turning on the light one more time to make sure there weren't freaking char marks on my skin.

Today, there's a little tingle there. But zero evidence of the insanity that was going on there just a few hours ago. I'm seeing some serious potential in the jalapeƱo as biological weapon idea.