Friday, January 18, 2008

Hell Has Frozen Over

Okay, maybe not hell, but Chicago has most certainly become a frozen waste land. On my way into work this morning, I thought I saw a polar bear. Yep, romping around the frozen tundra that is lake Michigan, enjoying his snack of a 3 eyed fish from our polluted waters.

I'm considering wearing a snow suit to a friend's wedding on Saturday when the wind chill gets to about -20. For those of you lucky enough to live outside of the freaking polar ice cap, the wind chill is the factor of the actual temperature and the wind, so that's how cold it FEELS.

So much for global warming.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

How to Torment a Small Child

Yesterday when I got home, I walked in through the back door leading into our kitchen. I saw Belly opening the pantry door in search of a snack before dinner. He glanced over and saw me, but I guess it didn't really register that the person in the long black coat in the semi-dark kitchen wasn't a threat, because when I yelled out "HELLL-OOOO!" like Robin Williams did in Mrs. Doubtfire, it almost gave poor Belly a massive coronary.
He literally jumped up in the air, as if he'd been electrocuted, and fell in a ball like crouch on the floor, hiding his head while he immediately started wailing. Then, to make me feel like total shit, he went to his grandma for comfort. I ran over and apologized profusely, and he finally came to me, still crying and clinging to my neck while (I'm sure) simultaneously hating me. As I tried to calm him down, near the spot of the attack, my husband burst in the same door I'd just come through and growled like a rabid lion. I was holding Belly and I can tell you that he startled something fierce, like a deer after hearing a shotgun blast. Back to the wailing he went, at this point making a mental note to start calling orphanages in the morning to get the hell out of this house where people (and the shower, if you recall) are trying to kill him.
While Belly was crying and trying to bring his tiny heart rate back to normal, Golden Boy scolded Daddy for scaring the Belly when he was already upset. Why didn't I get scolded for starting the whole thing? Because he knows better, that's why.
Eventually Belly calmed down and forgave us for taking 10 years off his life. So now you know, if you ever want to torment a small child ...

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Wordless Wednesday

Golden Boy's yuk face, circa 2002.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Gender Reassignment Pt 3 and The Plague

Belly woke up sick today. Cough, congestion, slight fever - the whole package. As such, Momma had to take the day off work. I hate calling in like that, it feels so irresponsible. Usually I plan my days off at least a month in advance since I have to work around the school calendar. So here I am with little Sickie, who is curled up on the couch watching PBS.

Yesterday an accountant for one of my customers had the nerve to hang up on me. But wait, there's more. He actually said, "Good day sir" and THEN hung up. So I told a friend who then reminded me that it's from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Lemmetellya, it was much funnier when Gene Wilder said it.

Belly was looking through Golden Boy's religion book and stopped on a picture of Jesus. (Yes, I see the irony of the ranting atheist sending her kids to Catholic school.... but if I sent them to public school I'd have to START praying) So he asks, "Who is that?" and I say simply that it's Jesus. He nodded and then said, "She's a pretty lady,"
When I tried to correct him, he looked at me like he pitied me and pointed out the long flowing hair and the dress. Somehow he missed the BEARD. I've got to make sure he understands that part.

Belly was in the kitchen talking a mile a minute and asking generally un-answerable questions when he pointed up at a picture and asked, "What about him?" It was a postcard of Frida Kahlo, my favorite artist. I tried to explain that SHE is a WOMAN, but he pointed out the moustache. So he gets THAT part, but missed the whole beard on the Jewish guy.

Now I'm off to make breakfast for my poor little guy, then curl up with him and read a story. Now that my kids are no longer babies, it's rare for them to snuggle up to me and fall asleep. There's nothing more magical than holding your child in that moment when they give in to sleep. They trust you to watch over them, and to keep their world safe while they snooze. So, Super Momma signs off.... I've got a sick little guy to watch over.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Time Machine?

Does anyone have a time machine? I'd like to rewind and start the weekend again, because I need the rest. Since I didn't get any housework done, what exactly did I do this weekend?
Friday - Went shopping. Got a new bag and a jacket. Did I NEED a new bag? Depends on what your definition of the word "need" is.
Went to support my oldest friend at the opening reception of her first gallery showing. *I am not biased* She is an incredible artist and it was wonderful to see her work out there and hear all the compliments being heaped upon her. She deserves every bit of the praise and then some. I wanted desperately to buy one of her paintings, but then I wouldn't be able to pay my car payment....
Went to try a restaurant in our neighborhood, as we don't get many chances to dine out sans kiddies. And since we live in a dog friendly area, they had smoked pig ears on the menu, a little take home treat for Spot.
Saturday - Morning basketball game for Golden Boy. Our team won by 3 points! It was a close game, very exciting, and it was nice to see the kids bustin some ass out on the court :) Oh, but then we went out and found 2 parking tickets on Big Bertha. Damn permit parking! Damn expired plates!
Went directly to Currency Exchange to purchase new plate sticker.
Went shopping, where Belly had his own cart and pretended he was taking care of his "baby" as well. So he filled his cart with fruit, milk and other baby friendly things while pretending to chase said baby around and plop him/her back into the cart with a reminder that he/she must sit down while inside the store. Fellow shoppers either thought he was very cute and precocious or thought he was readying himself for teen parenting. Not sure.
Spent a long time at Target picking out stuff for Joey's birthday party. And trying to find my mother who kept wandering away like an Alzheimer's patient. Seriously, I wanted to kill her. Then she tried to buy a handbag organizer thingie for me, that goes over your closet door to hold/display all your bags. I said no. Do I reeeealy want my husband to see just how many handbags I have??
Spent a long time at Home Depot picking out tile and stuff for the bathroom project. A. Very. Long. Time.
Sunday - Started the laundry that I neglected all weekend. Didn't finish.
Was happily trying out my new 1.5" ceramic curling iron when my husband came in to ask me a question. Turned around and burned myself. Smart, I know.
Went to Joey's party, where we all had a great time. On the way home, however, Belly realized he had to go to the bathroom. We pulled into a gas station, where he had to wait because someone was already in the bathroom. He waited, doing the international Gotta Pee dance. Finally got in, thankfully it was a very clean bathroom, but the toilet was too tall for him. So I lifted him up just far enough to reach it, but instead of just doing his thing, he thought it would be better to lift his little legs up to stand on the toilet, and since he did that just as he started to GO..... he peed all over the place, including his pants, which got in the way as he tried to stand up. Soooo I had to strip him of his warm and wet clothes and wrap him in my coat. He looked like a little flasher! Shirt, socks and shoes and that's it. Poor little guy. He was upset because he made it to the bathroom. It was just a logistical error that caused his pants to be wet!
Then I went to the Save Abandoned Babies meeting where we fight for truth and justice. Oh wait. Wrong meeting. I meant, where we fight to stop unsafe newborn abandonments, in the hopes that all babies will be raised in safe and loving homes.
Got home at 9pm to find DH and small children playing video games. *sigh* Shuffle everyone to bed, forget to let the dog out, so that Monday morning started like shit. Quite literally.

So here it is, Monday, and I've gotten nothing of import accomplished. So, if you do, perchance, have a time machine, may I borrow it?
Bag and parking ticket --->
Guess which was more expensive.
Hint: Not the blue one!