While alternately avoiding the news on Sandy Hook and compulsively watching it, my husband said something out of the blue to me that made my heart break all over again. We were discussing the last few Christmas gifts we're buying, when he asked simply, "What about all the Christmas presents they already bought?" Of course he didn't need to come out and say he was thinking of the parents of the victims at Sandy Hook, because I knew. My only reply was, "Those people will never be the same again."
This morning it was so hard for me to let go of the kids for school. All I could think of was, "How do I know they'll be ok?"
I'll preface this by saying, "You don't want to read this."
About a month ago, as I dropped Isaiah off at school, I had the worst feeling. As I watched him go in, and the door close behind him, suddenly a horrible feeling of absolute dread came over me. Not a vague fear, but a very specific one. I could almost see a man walking into the same door my son just did, wearing black and carrying a gun. It took some serious self restraint to not go right in and get him, take him home with me and call it a day. Now, I don't believe in premonitions or future telling or anything like that. I believe that my fears got the best of me that day and allowed me to imagine my worst nightmare, maybe as a way of thinking you'd be prepared should it ever come true. But you can't be. Ever. And all of those parents in Sandy Hook know that. I can't help but wonder if anyone had one of those feelings on Friday, and wishes they'd followed their instincts.
My heart is heavy with sadness, my mind runs with horrible thoughts, and tears escape my eyes as I sneak peeks at the news.
Although I know I don't have the strength to face the immeasurable pain of the families there, I wish I could hug each one and tell them that there is love in this world. That millions of people all across the world mourn with them. And that while it will never be "ok" again for them, they are not alone.