Friday, July 11, 2008

Good Cop/Bad Cop

Hubs is accusing me of playing Nice Parent to his Mean Parent, after a ritual cleaning out of the dump that is the kids' room. He tosses everything not put away. I back him up, tell the kids they knew this was going to happen, they have to be more responsible with their stuff.
Then later Hubs and I disagree about the extent of his thorough throw out session - in front of the kids. So he feels like I'm sending a message to the kids that Dad's the bad guy who is MEAN and Mom is sticking up for them. That wasn't my INTENTION, but I can see where he's coming from.
The resolution was to put away -not THROW away- all the video games, Game Boys, DS Lites etc and give them a chance to earn them back. I say resolution, because this is what I want, and by god, that's what's gonna happen. As for the many many toys that ended up in the junk heap, GB and I will go through it and he can decide what to sell at his day camp's flea market, and he and Belly keep the proceeds.
Hubs and I do not like to stay angry with one another. We talked shortly after and aired out grievances. I apologized. (Yes, I do that once in a while) I made it known that I felt his actions were too harsh, too all-or-nothing. He feels the kids are too spoiled and they don't care about their possessions.

How do you handle things like that, when you don't agree on something about the kids? No two parents are going to have the same discipline style, tolerance for mess, or preferred bed time. What about when one parent indulges the kids when the other feels it's too much?

8 comments:

Midwest Mommy said...

We have this too. Lately it has been when LM cries. I can tolerate it and let him cry it out for a few minutes. Usually he is just tired and needs to soothe himself. It drives hubs crazy! He can't stand him crying for more than a second. He will stick the plugger (pacifier) in his mouth or look to me why I didn't do it sooner. I tell him I listen to it all day long. I can tell when something is really wrong. Still it drives him crazy! What really gets him is when I say, no baby has ever died from crying he will respond with but I bed some daddies have gone crazy!

Veronica Garcia said...

My ex and I went through a lot of the same things, many fights due to us disagreeing in front of the kids.

I've learned my lesson. I think when there is a disagreement between parents, one should say to the kids "you know what, let me and mommy/daddy talk about this" and go into another room.

carrie said...

we have this issue also. It's The Butt.

However, after many years of questioning his authority in front of the kids and noticing the children doing the same thing, I can usually get my way if I talk to him about it later.

Usually. Not always. But I like getting my way, so I'll do what it takes.

kristi said...

The other day my hubs got onto my son because he wanted to wear his tennis shoes with no socks...hence, stinky feet. I told our son that Yes, he had to wear socks. Either that or flip flops. And hubs got mad! Said I spoil our son and give him his way. I said, "HOW? I was agreeing with you on the sock issue!" Sometimes even when I agree with him, we get into "discussions"......and yes we do occasionally argue in front of the kids. I try not to, but sometimes it happens.

Marmarbug said...

The biggest thing I tell my hubs is that we will never disagree on punishment in front of the kiddo. We will never question in front of the kid either. Otherwise? you have a problem.

SissyMerks said...

I hate to admit it but I am always the good cop at my house. Usually when we don't agree we Have to stop, talk and compromise. We don't disagree in front of the kids. We try to always stay united on discipline.

Colleen said...

thankfully we don't have those sorts of fights too often anymore, but when we do, we at least try to do it away from the boys. And after a particularly enlightening conversation, we ALWAYS show a united front in discipline (and if I need to make adjustments on what toys get tossed, I simply hide them for a guest appearance a good month or two later).

Joe and Leanna said...

Well, before we even had kids we agreed to NOT disagree while one is disciplining. There have been many times when we would discuss the issue later.

Usually I am the one disciplining as DH sits back until it all builds up...I let them know at the time that things are happening. Then DH says I am a 'softie' and usually give in. (good cop-lol).

Luckily we usually agree and we back each other up!