Fickle

Last night, at bed time, Isaiah was fighting sleep, and fighting for more time to stay up. After a few minutes of sitting with the kids, I shut off the TV, which made Isaiah sulk. Since I ignored his sulking, he started harrumphing. Finally I asked explained that school is starting this week, so they’ve got to start getting to bed earlier. While I said this, I was rubbing his back. With tears in his eyes, he told me that he was angry and he pulled away from me. So I asked, “Do you want me to leave you alone?” He nodded solemnly. As I stood up, he said, “But you don’t have to go.”
I actually started to laugh. So, you want me to leave you alone, but you don’t want me to leave? He said, “Yes. You can stay. But you can’t touch me.” Again, I laughed. As I sat back down, he softened his stance. He reached for my hand and said, “But I can touch you as much as I want.” So I let him hold my hand. Then he said, “Ok, you can touch me one time. You know, in case you want to give me a hug.” Which turned into, “Well, you can touch me two times.” When I reached over and put my hand on his back, he gave in and said, “You can touch me ten thousand million times. No, infinity times.”
So of course, I stayed with him until he fell asleep :)

In Communist Germany ...

Today is chemo session number 5 for my mom. Last time, she said that the IV removal was very painful, and her wrist did swell immediately following. My aunt said if they got the solution under her skin, it would cause a chemical burn, and would erupt or blister in a big way. Scary stuff, right? But a few days went by, and nothing happened. She said she was having shooting pain from her wrist up her arm, so eventually she went to see the nurse, who suggested she have an xray, because the pain she’s describing isn’t from the chemo, but she may have fractured her wrist. She was persistent, though, that what she was feeling was due to their negligence when removing her IV. She says at that point, the nurse said they wouldn’t continue her treatment unless she got a port a cath inserted.
She’s been screaming malpractice since.
This morning her anxiety over having the cath inserted reached absolute fever pitch. She was talking about hiring a lawyer and suing them for pain and suffering, because WHO are THEY to FORCE her to do something she doesn’t want to do? FUCK THEM! This is bullshit! And you know what? This is just like communist Germany!

This time, I couldn’t help but laugh. Really? Communist Germany?? So she verbally assaulted the people at registration, and at outpatient surgery. I walked behind her apologizing and thanking everyone for their patience. In fact, I should just issue a blanket apology to anyone that came into contact with her today 

Yes, I use humor to diffuse frustration, to sooth hurt feelings (mostly my own!) and to cope with unpleasant things. I have to say, I’m so very thankful to have a support network. A dear friend came and stayed with my mom for her chemo today, because I had to come in to work. No, not because my company is unfeeling or doesn’t care. In fact, my company has been great. No, it’s because I have work to do, and ok, I’ll admit, I didn’t want to be around for her emotional breakdown during chemo. I love my mother, I do. When she’s not beset by chemo induced craziness, she’s lovely. Right now, things are tough for her. And some days, all I can do is laugh. Don’t judge me!

The Cheetos Truck

This truck came in the mail today, addressed to my boys. With a note from my aunt explaining that she'd brought it for her brother, my father, and wanted them to have something of his.

I actually started to cry when they opened it. Just last night I was talking about him, telling my husband how much I miss him. And when this came today, I felt like I got a little piece of him back. When I was a kid, we used the truck to send Cheetos back and forth through the house, much to my mother's dismay. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if it still had orange crumbs in the trailer. I hadn't thought about it in years.

Marcia said, "Ask and you shall receive." Yesterday I was hurting, and I didn't even *know* what to ask for. But today, I received.

Renaissance Woman

Well here we are, at the bi-weekly abuse session, also known as my mom's chemo appointment. The infusion nurse is all alone today, and handling 6 or 7 patients on her own. This, and everything else, is making my mother angry. Since we've been here she's told me all about her expert opinions on civil engineering, custody disputes, oncology, general dentistry etc. And she is always right. When I stopped agreeing with her, she called me an asshole. I'm considering leaving her here and letting her walk home. Now that would be an asshole move.
What I really don't understand is how she can be so mean to me, and so incredibly nice to everyone else. She's thanking people left and right, apologizing for nothing, telling them how she's going to take them all for lunch after this is done. But me? The daughter who has been here every time and every appointment, listened to all the tears and screams, I'm an asshole. Of course.

Sorry, this is a whiny ass blog today. I'm going to suck it up and deal, because really, what else can I do? No point in being pissed off all day. No good to LET her push my buttons. Since I can't control the way she acts, all I can control is my reaction to it, right?

What I *Meant* to Say Was...

This morning while I was in the shower, Daimean made breakfast for Isaiah. He made french toast sticks and sausage. When I came in, still half asleep, Isaiah was extreme-pouting at his plate. He didn't approve of the way Daimean made his breakfast, and there was some debate about whether the french toast sticks were done. Poor Daimean jumped in and said, "So I put them back in the microwave, and then I even sprinkled cinnamon on it like you do, but I didn't know how much...."
So I told Isaiah to be thankful that his brother is so nice and did this for him. Then I thanked Daimean for being so nice, thoughtful and helpful, and told him, "Some day, you're going to make a great parent." Then I looked at Isaiah and almost said, "and some day, you're going to make a great kid."

ALMOST! Thankfully my censor kicked in and stopped me before it came out, because really, how horrid would that have sounded? It sure made me laugh though.

Take Another Sudafed

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/07/22/drugged.children.parenting/index.html?hpt=Sbin

The article on CNN is about parents using benadryl and other medications to sedate their kids FOR THEIR OWN CONVENIENCE. It's being called child abuse - as it should. Seriously? They feel overwhelmed so they medicate their kids for no reason??? One person says it's better than a parent getting upset and slamming doors and "losing it"... really? The grown up sedates the child so that the GROWN UP doesn't ACT like a child??!!

Really, I try not to be judgemental, and I try to respect that everyone parents differently. But giving your child medication so YOU don't have to deal with them isn't parenting.

When we were kids, we'd psych ourselves up to be sick in the morning so we could stay home. My friend's mom stayed at home, so my mom would naturally send me over there. She'd give us cold medicine to knock us out, and every time we woke up, she'd tell us to take another Sudafed and go back to bed. We laugh about it now. We didn't know any better back then. But as a mom, I sure as hell know better now.

Lessons Learned

School's the golden rule. - Dad
You never want a job where you have to ask, "You want fries with that?" - Uncle Sol
Love is all you need. - John Lennon
The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Grandma
Clever people, them Japanese. - The Chief
I love you more than pie. - Isaiah
Life isn't fair. - Mom
It depends what the meaning of the word "is" is. - Bubba
Having sex isn't a mistake. A mistake is when you walk in on someone else in the bathroom. - Angela
Yes we can. - Obama

What are the best lessons you've learned?