The setting: 4am, my bedroom
Cast of characters: Ozzie, my iPhone, Cordless House Phone (CHP), CHP's base
Ozzie enters room, glances to the left. He sees some phones that urgently need his attention.
Cordless Home Phone: Clunk
Me: Whaa? Ozzie, go away.
CHP's base: Thunk
Me: Ozzie go! (as Ozzie is repeatedly pushed off of side table where phone once resided)
iPhone: *ding ding* (as Ozzie stands on it and activates the voice control)
Me: Dammit Ozzie!
iPhone: Playing Stone Temple Pilots
Which leads to me wrestling the phone away from Ozzie as Scott Weiland sings Lounge Fly at 4am.
Ozzie triumphantly walks away, into the night.
*end scene*
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Friday, August 10, 2012
Awful News Story of the Day
Man calls police, hysterical because he'd beaten his dog to death.
Do I really need to say that people who hurt animals are soceital scum and just one short step away from hurting humans?
Today's blog is dedicated to my two dogs. Eva came to live with us in early 2006, when she was just 3 months old. She's barky, she pees on the floor, she chews things, and she's deathly afraid of storms and fireworks. Also, I love her. She likes to prance, yes PRANCE, around when she has a rawhide treat, as if she wants to show off to everyone else in the house. It's adorable. She's pretty small, 28lbs at last check, and if you sit on the floor she'll curl up in your lap because she loves to nuzzle and cuddle. She doesn't have a problem with the cats or the bird. She started out a little food aggressive, but for the most part she's been over that for years.
Ilio came to us as a foster dog in the summer of 2008, I think. Could have even been 2007, I just don't remember. He's built like a horse with a big head made of rock. He had scars on his muzzle when he came to us, and I promised him I'd never let anyone else hurt him. He's great with kids, but wary of males that don't live with him. He's sweet and funny, and he chases laser dots just like a cat. I love that dog. He sleeps at the corner of my bed, and is the first being to greet me every day, and the last one I see every night. This cannot be overstated - I love that dog. He chases the cats and is fascinated with the bird. He's a happy guy, that Ilio.
And so there it is, I will hug my dogs a little tighter today and hope that maybe some day people will stop abusing their animals and pick on someone their own size.
Do I really need to say that people who hurt animals are soceital scum and just one short step away from hurting humans?
Today's blog is dedicated to my two dogs. Eva came to live with us in early 2006, when she was just 3 months old. She's barky, she pees on the floor, she chews things, and she's deathly afraid of storms and fireworks. Also, I love her. She likes to prance, yes PRANCE, around when she has a rawhide treat, as if she wants to show off to everyone else in the house. It's adorable. She's pretty small, 28lbs at last check, and if you sit on the floor she'll curl up in your lap because she loves to nuzzle and cuddle. She doesn't have a problem with the cats or the bird. She started out a little food aggressive, but for the most part she's been over that for years.
Ilio came to us as a foster dog in the summer of 2008, I think. Could have even been 2007, I just don't remember. He's built like a horse with a big head made of rock. He had scars on his muzzle when he came to us, and I promised him I'd never let anyone else hurt him. He's great with kids, but wary of males that don't live with him. He's sweet and funny, and he chases laser dots just like a cat. I love that dog. He sleeps at the corner of my bed, and is the first being to greet me every day, and the last one I see every night. This cannot be overstated - I love that dog. He chases the cats and is fascinated with the bird. He's a happy guy, that Ilio.
And so there it is, I will hug my dogs a little tighter today and hope that maybe some day people will stop abusing their animals and pick on someone their own size.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Need a Bigger Wine Glass
And for the record, I already use pretty big wine glasses.
Last night, I peek out the window to be a nosy neighbor and investigate some suspicious sounds (um, everyone does that, right?) when I see that our front gate is open. After alerting Hubs, he goes out through the back, and informs me that the side gate is also open, leading us to believe that someone has walked through our yard.
With the back gate being locked, said person would have to either jump a fence or go back out through the front. At this point, we're debating buying a gun, cause really.... when he looks out the window and says, "Mystery solved." Yes, just like we were in a Scooby Doo episode.
I jump up to see my 14 year old child SNEAKING in the front gate. Literally sneaking, doing an exaggerated Pink Panther-esque tip toe. At least he was, until I stuck my head out and let loose with a volley of expletives regarding his ass and where it was SUPPOSED to be at 10:45pm.
It took some major restraint on my part to not break my previous vow to not use corporal punishment on my children. But it leaves me option-less for the moment, because I really don't know where to go from here.
Today I'm toying with the idea of pushing legislation to expand the Safe Haven law, by oh, say, 14 years or so. Is it too late to retroactively change my mind and decide I don't want children? We could be one of those trendy Double-Income-No-Kids couples who travels and buys expensive toys for our dogs.
As a kid, I never understood kids who would run away from home. I mean, you're a kid for shit's sake, you don't have any income and when you get caught - and you will - you're just going to be in trouble. BUT as an adult, I can totally see the appeal. I'm college educated and have marketable skills! So if you see my husband and I in some exotic locale, wearing dark shades and referring to one another as "Boris" and "Natasha", it's because I've decided to run away. The kids can keep the house, the dogs and the last box of Cheerios. I'm moving to a coconut hut where it never snows, and will no longer answer to "Mom"
Last night, I peek out the window to be a nosy neighbor and investigate some suspicious sounds (um, everyone does that, right?) when I see that our front gate is open. After alerting Hubs, he goes out through the back, and informs me that the side gate is also open, leading us to believe that someone has walked through our yard.
With the back gate being locked, said person would have to either jump a fence or go back out through the front. At this point, we're debating buying a gun, cause really.... when he looks out the window and says, "Mystery solved." Yes, just like we were in a Scooby Doo episode.
I jump up to see my 14 year old child SNEAKING in the front gate. Literally sneaking, doing an exaggerated Pink Panther-esque tip toe. At least he was, until I stuck my head out and let loose with a volley of expletives regarding his ass and where it was SUPPOSED to be at 10:45pm.
It took some major restraint on my part to not break my previous vow to not use corporal punishment on my children. But it leaves me option-less for the moment, because I really don't know where to go from here.
Today I'm toying with the idea of pushing legislation to expand the Safe Haven law, by oh, say, 14 years or so. Is it too late to retroactively change my mind and decide I don't want children? We could be one of those trendy Double-Income-No-Kids couples who travels and buys expensive toys for our dogs.
As a kid, I never understood kids who would run away from home. I mean, you're a kid for shit's sake, you don't have any income and when you get caught - and you will - you're just going to be in trouble. BUT as an adult, I can totally see the appeal. I'm college educated and have marketable skills! So if you see my husband and I in some exotic locale, wearing dark shades and referring to one another as "Boris" and "Natasha", it's because I've decided to run away. The kids can keep the house, the dogs and the last box of Cheerios. I'm moving to a coconut hut where it never snows, and will no longer answer to "Mom"
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
My Own Worst Enemy
After burning the roof of my mouth with hot cheese and slicing and dicing my legs while shaving, I've decided maybe I should stay away from me for a few days. It's obvious that I'm dangerous.
My dog got nervous around a kid this morning (not one of mine) and he actually growled at said kid. My first thought wasn't, "What's wrong with you, dog?" but instead, it was, "What did you do to my dog?" Is that wrong?
Yesterday I walked down my own street, where I've lived for many years, knocking on doors to get signatures on a petition for a block party. Half of those people opened their doors with obvious irritation. Was it because they don't want to be bothered? Or because after this long, we still don't know one another? I'm not sure, but I won't be asking to borrow a cup of sugar any time soon.
One neighbor that I do know has recently added a downspout extender to my gutter to keep the rain water from landing on her walkway. The irony? They put the extender in a place where it's going to go - you guessed it - right in their walkway. I sure do hope they feel better about that now. Do I feel bad for not doing it myself? Nope. Am I a bad neighbor? Yep.
My dog got nervous around a kid this morning (not one of mine) and he actually growled at said kid. My first thought wasn't, "What's wrong with you, dog?" but instead, it was, "What did you do to my dog?" Is that wrong?
Yesterday I walked down my own street, where I've lived for many years, knocking on doors to get signatures on a petition for a block party. Half of those people opened their doors with obvious irritation. Was it because they don't want to be bothered? Or because after this long, we still don't know one another? I'm not sure, but I won't be asking to borrow a cup of sugar any time soon.
One neighbor that I do know has recently added a downspout extender to my gutter to keep the rain water from landing on her walkway. The irony? They put the extender in a place where it's going to go - you guessed it - right in their walkway. I sure do hope they feel better about that now. Do I feel bad for not doing it myself? Nope. Am I a bad neighbor? Yep.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
In Which I Admit to Being a Horrible Human Being
These past few weeks have been crazy ones. I've had to tell my distressed mother that she cannot come and live with me. My grandmother - the Chief's wife - was hospitalized, which caused her children to act like anarchist asshats. Really just one child, but she sure did mess it up for everyone. As I sat at her bedside in the hospital, she told me of her concerns for the health and well being of her youngest son, who is... what's the word du jour? .... differently abled? Mentally disabled? Learning disabled? Who knows. She is afraid of what will happen with him when she's gone. And as I sat there looking into her eyes, I silently begged, "Please don't ask me to do this."
Because honestly, that woman never said no to me in my whole life. Her favorite saying was, "You can have anything your little heart desires, as long as it's within reason." So if she were to ask me directly, I'd never, ever say no to her. But thankfully, she didn't. She said she's taking his desires into account, and he's said that he would like to go live with someone else, if he had to. I guess I'm just on standby in case that doesn't work out.
One might asked what caused me to be so awful, selfish and uncaring. Was I not loved enough as a child? Did no one hug me? Yes, I was loved - and quite a lot, I'll add - but somehow in the last year or so I realized that it's ok to say no. Apparently the world won't stop turning if I don't take on everything, every request, every dilemma, that comes my way. I'm not saying I won't lend a hand. I am saying that I won't upend my life because others are unwilling to take on responsibilities. And that's just going to have to be ok. If it were an uncontrollable situation that someone was in, then of course, I'm there. But if it's due to a lifetime of bad decisions and refusal to plan, then no, you're on your own this time. How does that saying go? A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
Whew! Now that's putting some heavy family shit out there. None of which they'd appreciate, and I mean, who would? Good thing none of those people read my blog, huh?
Because honestly, that woman never said no to me in my whole life. Her favorite saying was, "You can have anything your little heart desires, as long as it's within reason." So if she were to ask me directly, I'd never, ever say no to her. But thankfully, she didn't. She said she's taking his desires into account, and he's said that he would like to go live with someone else, if he had to. I guess I'm just on standby in case that doesn't work out.
One might asked what caused me to be so awful, selfish and uncaring. Was I not loved enough as a child? Did no one hug me? Yes, I was loved - and quite a lot, I'll add - but somehow in the last year or so I realized that it's ok to say no. Apparently the world won't stop turning if I don't take on everything, every request, every dilemma, that comes my way. I'm not saying I won't lend a hand. I am saying that I won't upend my life because others are unwilling to take on responsibilities. And that's just going to have to be ok. If it were an uncontrollable situation that someone was in, then of course, I'm there. But if it's due to a lifetime of bad decisions and refusal to plan, then no, you're on your own this time. How does that saying go? A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
Whew! Now that's putting some heavy family shit out there. None of which they'd appreciate, and I mean, who would? Good thing none of those people read my blog, huh?
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Going Paul Revere on This One
My sister is coming! My sister is coming!
The very same sister I blogged about trying to find (of course, because I only have one... that I know of) and that I flew across this great nation to surprise after she found me - she is coming here to visit! To say I'm excited would be a dreadful understatement.
The very same sister I blogged about trying to find (of course, because I only have one... that I know of) and that I flew across this great nation to surprise after she found me - she is coming here to visit! To say I'm excited would be a dreadful understatement.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Karma is a Bitch
A long time ago, when I was a young child, we had sleep overs. At these sleep overs, parents routinely threatened to kill us for staying up all night, which we didn't understand.
Payback is a bitch. Now I understand.
Last night my dear child had a friend sleep over. This, against my better judgement, as he has to work today. (Yes, he has a part time job over summer vacation) I sent these children to bed - which happens to be located right next to my bedroom - and for the next THREE hours had to repeatedly tell to to be quiet and go to sleep before I eventually walked out and announced that I was going to kill them and no jury would find me guilty.
So for all those times I kept parents awake, I sincerely apologize.
And for the kids that kept me up last night - I woke them up at 6:15am. I prefer quick payback.
Payback is a bitch. Now I understand.
Last night my dear child had a friend sleep over. This, against my better judgement, as he has to work today. (Yes, he has a part time job over summer vacation) I sent these children to bed - which happens to be located right next to my bedroom - and for the next THREE hours had to repeatedly tell to to be quiet and go to sleep before I eventually walked out and announced that I was going to kill them and no jury would find me guilty.
So for all those times I kept parents awake, I sincerely apologize.
And for the kids that kept me up last night - I woke them up at 6:15am. I prefer quick payback.
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