Need a Bigger Wine Glass

And for the record, I already use pretty big wine glasses.

Last night, I peek out the window to be a nosy neighbor and investigate some suspicious sounds (um, everyone does that, right?) when I see that our front gate is open. After alerting Hubs, he goes out through the back, and informs me that the side gate is also open, leading us to believe that someone has walked through our yard.

With the back gate being locked, said person would have to either jump a fence or go back out through the front. At this point, we're debating buying a gun, cause really.... when he looks out the window and says, "Mystery solved." Yes, just like we were in a Scooby Doo episode.

I jump up to see my 14 year old child SNEAKING in the front gate. Literally sneaking, doing an exaggerated Pink Panther-esque tip toe. At least he was, until I stuck my head out and let loose with a volley of expletives regarding his ass and where it was SUPPOSED to be at 10:45pm.

It took some major restraint on my part to not break my previous vow to not use corporal punishment on my children. But it leaves me option-less for the moment, because I really don't know where to go from here.

Today I'm toying with the idea of pushing legislation to expand the Safe Haven law, by oh, say, 14 years or so. Is it too late to retroactively change my mind and decide I don't want children? We could be one of those trendy Double-Income-No-Kids couples who travels and buys expensive toys for our dogs.

As a kid, I never understood kids who would run away from home. I mean, you're a kid for shit's sake, you don't have any income and when you get caught - and you will - you're just going to be in trouble. BUT as an adult, I can totally see the appeal. I'm college educated and have marketable skills! So if you see my husband and I in some exotic locale, wearing dark shades and referring to one another as "Boris" and "Natasha", it's because I've decided to run away. The kids can keep the house, the dogs and the last box of Cheerios. I'm moving to a coconut hut where it never snows, and will no longer answer to "Mom"