Do Not Try This At Home

Let me just begin with the best part, then I'll explain. Besides, I know you appreciate knowing upfront whether reading this post is worth your time.

10:30pm, my son walks into the kitchen and asks why I'm standing at the counter with my hand in a bowl of milk.

Cause it's what all the cool kids are doing, of course. OR, the more likely reason, was that I'd read an old wives tale that says that milk neutralizes the capsaicin in jalapeños. Which I'd sliced and diced for dinner with bare hands, as I'd done a hundred times before with no problem. But this time, this mutant chili caused my hand to start burning.

And when I say burning? I mean I thought the skin was going to blister. I thought the pillow I laid my hand on would surely burst into flames. I thought, "Holy shit! This hurts!" and then "Sonofabitch when is this going to stop?" right before "Ohmygod seriously? It was just a stupid pepper!" followed by "Hey, this would make a funny blog post."

Obviously masturbation was out.

So off I went to the interwebs, to find suggestions for relief. Milk, sunburn gel, body powder and hydrocortisone are all worthless, people. I went to bed praying the skin wouldn't melt off my hand before morning. Telling myself that surely this is all in my head, and then turning on the light one more time to make sure there weren't freaking char marks on my skin.

Today, there's a little tingle there. But zero evidence of the insanity that was going on there just a few hours ago. I'm seeing some serious potential in the jalapeño as biological weapon idea.