You want fries with that?

My favorite uncle used to warn me about dead end jobs. Over and over he said that any job that requires you to ask "You want fries with that?" was not where I wanted to be. He told me that at McDonald's the workers were so moronic that instead of numbers on the cash register, they have pictures of the food. That must explain why I can never get anything without cheese. The pictures are probably chock full of cheese.

Having worked my share of menial jobs - McDonald's not being one of them, thank you Uncle Sol - I must ask: Is office work really any better than being a fry cook? At least people in burger joints are providing a real service. I repeat corporate buzz words. I speak cordially with people I hate. I smile and nod and drink bad coffee. I say to angry customers “I’m sorry for the inconvenience” when really I couldn’t care less. During meetings, I stare at my shoes. I stare at other people’s shoes. When I’m told to Make It A Great Day! I resist the urge to retch on some head honcho’s shoes.

At McDonald’s, you get may have someone yell at you for putting pickles on their egg and sausage burrito muffin meal or whatever they’re making these days. Or you may get the balding guy from Accounting who knows what days the cute girl works and he comes and flirts shamelessly while ordering 12 fruit and yogurt parfaits. Me? I get characters straight out of SNL. Characters like Yelling Guy. No kidding, he yells everything. And Viagra Guy. I’m in customer service for Pete’s sake….. if some guy’s going to tell me all about his ED and the side effects of Viagra I’m going to start charging $3.95 a minute folks. And the best is the one who forgets that he has spoken to me a hundred times already and keeps asking if I have a boyfriend. When I tell him –again- that I’m married, he replies “Oh, good for you!” What?! Good for me? Do I have a peg leg? Am I damaged goods? Did my husband pull me out of the reject bin at Wal-Mart???

The final insult when it comes to office work are the team builders and holiday parties. Forced to act jovial and cheery with people you wouldn’t be caught dead with in public. Being forced to do things like Wacky Bowling and scavenger hunts should have stopped after we dropped out of the Girl Scouts. Is it any wonder people get shit faced at these events?? I mean honestly we’d get hammered at work Monday through Friday if we thought it would make it more bearable. Then you go back to work on Monday and pretend you weren’t hitting on that guy from IT after your fourth gin and tonic.

Living la vida boring over here in cubicle hell, wearing the corporate America suit of armor a/k/a “slacks” and a button down shirt. I’m looking like Annie Lennox circa 1985. Androgyny anyone? I’ve sold my soul for a 50% 401(k) match. What? What was that? Do I want fries with that? Yea, I guess I do.