Yes, Virginia, There is a ...

...thing called PMS that will eventually make you hate even people you normally adore, and will make your closest friends avoid you lest they tell you what an irrational, mean, hurtful, insane person you are.
"Who, me?" you'll ask, while mentally lining up a crossbow with the offender's solar plexus.
Yes, yours truly is in a foul mood today. And yesterday as well. And tomorrow's not looking promising, either.
My husband keeps asking what's wrong. When I say, "Nothing" I really mean, "Everything"
The tiny part of my brain that isn't being held hostage by hormones right now is telling me that I'm giving significance to minor infractions and blowing them up to monumental proportions. Yeah, so? For some strange reason I decided I wanted to take the kids bowling tonight. (See: Irrational) When I found out that every bowling alley within 27 miles is booked with league play, I got very upset. Then I decided we'd go ice skating. The problem is that nothing is open on Friday nights until later in the month. This, too, caused me great anguish. That tiny part of my brain I told you about has been trying to tell me all day that I don't like either bowling or ice skating. I told it to shut up.

On the bright side, I got a phone call today from an old friend that I haven't talked to in literally years. I'm not always open to those kinds of calls, figuring if I don't talk to someone anymore, there's probably a good reason. Anyway, she called and it was so good to talk to her again. We caught up on our kids and jobs and talked about a lot of people we used to work with. We made plans to get together before the holidays hit. As we were chatting I realized that I've gotten back in touch with a lot of people this year. All of them very cool, ranging from grammar school friends, high school friends to former co-workers. Where were these people? Why exactly did we stop talking? Did we just get too busy?

Was it my PMS?! Just kidding :) Or am I?

A Whole New World

Last night I went to dinner with my mom and the kids. It was late, I was ravenously hungry which means I was dizzy from low blood sugar and not in the mood to play referee between my little darlings. We went to Olive Garden - I loooove Olive Garden and I don't care how cheap/boring/mediocre anyone thinks it is. When we were seated I practically fell into my chair... bad idea! They have wheels. So, after apologizing to the woman behind me, I'm growling at the server to skip the pleasantries and bring me food. I'm sure this isn't going to be a pleasant dinner since Belly had already insulted the kid behind us who was crying by asking if he was a baby. He wasn't, and that made him cry harder. Then I ram the kid's mom with my chair. Can we change this to a take out order???

Then a strange thing happened. My kids started telling jokes and quizzing each other on their favorite cartoons. Golden Boy does a good Alex Trebek impersonation. For once, they didn't antagonize one another or fight over anything. They both ATE their meals. That may not sound like anything noteworthy to people without kids, but lemmetellya, my kids rarely eat anything they order. Not only did they eat their meals, they SHARED them. Yes, I wanted to stand up and sing like a Disney princess.... "It's a whole new world! A brand new place I never knew!"
They continued with the jokes and trivia through dessert. The women at the next table (no, not the one we assaulted) were pointing at us and saying, "Look, they're having so much fun!" We left there all smiles and hugs.

Who are these children, and what have they done with mine?


Me, after lots of cosmetic surgery ------>

Last Resort

As far as music goes, most kids end up listening to what their parents play, right? I heard so much of the Beatles and Elvis growing up that I can do a one woman talent show based on their albums. Of course as I got a little older I developed my own unique tastes (Tupac and Nirvana go together in my opinion)

Last year we realized that radio is too risque for small children. So we started playing talk radio in the car. Sports and weather, yeah! That can't damage young minds! Except every commercial talks about erectile dysfunction. Then we started playing the Disney station but damn, that got irritating. So we plugged in the ipod and left it on shuffle. Did we stop to think about the collection of songs on there?

First came Golden Boy's absolute love for Linkin Park. We figured that was a good thing. Well, minus the exaggerated rap stance, think Run-DMC in 1989. If he keeps it up I'm going to buy him some old school Adidas with fat laces.

This morning Belly jumped up on the couch, threw his little hands up in the air and yelled, "Cut my life into pieces! This is my last resort!"

So, I guess it's time to go back to the Disney channel.

Things You Never Knew

Speaking of positive reinforcements and stripper poles.... A Christmas gift catalogue came in the mail on Friday after I got home. On page 3 they advertise This handy contraption.

How many head shots does it take, to get to the center of Belly's brain?

This weekend Belly took quite a few hits to the noggin. Friday he was jumping on the bottom bunk (a favorite past time) and jumped too hard, hitting the top bunk so hard one of the wooden supports was displaced. Ouch.
Saturday he jumped off the couch wearing a Batman cape and landed on a knit cap. Knit cap + wood floors = head injury. I think he was feeling a bit concussed, so I didn't let him sleep after that.
This morning I was carrying him upstairs so he could brush his teeth, when he leaned out and struck his forehead on the wall. At this point I'm sure the school is calling DCFS the minute he walks in with enough lumps on his head to start a phrenology convention.

Positive Reinforcements

Positive reinforcements are very important (Child development 101) They also work with pets (Puppy Training at PetCo)

What I just learned is that positive reinforcements work incredibly well with husbands. You see, yesterday my dear husband was home all day. He did laundry, he worked around the house, he cleaned the first floor. For this, he was handsomely rewarded. We’re not talking pat on the back here.

This morning he got up early, made coffee, folded and put away laundry, got the kids dressed and THEN made French toast with bananas and whipped cream. If he keeps this up I’m going to have a stripper pole installed in our bedroom.

Screeeeech!!!!

That, my friends, is the sound of me dragging my feet and trying to stop the calendar's relentless march forward. Yes, my 3 inch heels are digging in here, trying to avoid slamming headfirst into the holidays.

All of a sudden Thanksgiving menu planning is upon me, closely followed by Christmas, New Year's, my pal's wedding, my *gasp* 30th birthday and then our 10th wedding anniversary. Stop the world, I wanna get off.

Right food ahead of me, left foot planted for balance, head and shoulders leaning back, yet time is clutching my hem with it's icky old man hands. And it's my favorite leopard print hem, too. How could this be?!?!?! The Holidays already?? Maybe if I whimper and cry I can get out of it.

It's not that I don't like The Holidays. When you have kids it's almost mandatory. Every year it's as if I stress so much over it that I don't allow myself time to enjoy it. Every year we say this year we won't go overboard with Christmas gifts just because we like to see them stacked 3 deep and 6 high around the tree. Then 3 days later they're broken and scattered around the house and we're asking ourselves, "Why did we do that again?" Although I must admit that Christmas music makes me happy. When I was about twelve I had the New Kids on the Block Christmas album. I love Tchaikovsky. Thanksgiving is overrated. I don't like turkey all that much. For my first Thanksgiving on my own, I ate White Castle and watched basketball. New Year's Eve we spend with the kids and a bottle of sparking grape juice - not exactly party central. Right now I've got no idea what to get my husband for Christmas. I haven't yet figured out what I want to do for my birthday, either.

No - I'm not avoiding it. I'm just surprised that all this came so fast at me. Yes, at me, like it's a personal assault :) Just look at the mish mash of thoughts above and you'll see what thinking about the holidays does to me!

Email Etiquette

Have you ever felt the wave of nausea and panic after hitting "send" on an email that is, shall we say, not nice? Twice in my younger (and less professional) days I accidentally sent an email to the wrong person. Both times, the wrong person was in management. Oops! One was innocuous, I simply stated that the frog I kept in a tank on my desk had died. For that, my boss kindly sent her condolences, and probably wondered why I felt it necessary to share that news. The other time, the manager from a department I'd been promoted out of, sent an email rife with spelling and grammatical errors. I thought I was forwarding that email, with my own snarky comments, to a co-worker and it turned out I hit "reply" instead of "forward" - I took a deep breath and with knocking knees I went to apologize face to face with the woman I'd offended. Luckily, she was very nice about it.
This afternoon I received an email I didn't like very much. I forwarded it to my mom, along with some comments that are just not printable here. As SOON as I hit sent I felt like someone threw ice water on my head - I was that sure I'd just replied to the person who angered me. I'd have been far more diplomatic! I'd have omitted the extraneous use of the F word! I checked the sent file at least 5 times to be sure - absolutely sure - that I sent that email to my mom. It has her name there, it says I forwarded the message .... so why do I still feel like I'm about to get fired?? Never mind the fact that everyone knows you shouldn't write anything in your work email that you wouldn't mind being plastered all over the kitchen. I know this. My reaction to that email was just too fast and strong to remember that.

Panic and pending joblessness aside, Sunday was report card day. Now I don't mean to brag...

Don't you hate it when people say that?? If you didn't mean to brag then you'd just be quiet about it. Not write it all over the place and tell everyone who passes you on the street. So yeah, I do mean to brag - Golden Boy got straight As! Even he was surprised! His face lit up and you could just see how happy he was. I'm so very proud of him. He's worked hard this year and it shows!