Thursday, July 26, 2012

In Which I Admit to Being a Horrible Human Being

These past few weeks have been crazy ones. I've had to tell my distressed mother that she cannot come and live with me. My grandmother - the Chief's wife - was hospitalized, which caused her children to act like anarchist asshats. Really just one child, but she sure did mess it up for everyone. As I sat at her bedside in the hospital, she told me of her concerns for the health and well being of her youngest son, who is... what's the word du jour? .... differently abled? Mentally disabled? Learning disabled? Who knows. She is afraid of what will happen with him when she's gone. And as I sat there looking into her eyes, I silently begged, "Please don't ask me to do this."

Because honestly, that woman never said no to me in my whole life. Her favorite saying was, "You can have anything your little heart desires, as long as it's within reason." So if she were to ask me directly, I'd never, ever say no to her. But thankfully, she didn't. She said she's taking his desires into account, and he's said that he would like to go live with someone else, if he had to. I guess I'm just on standby in case that doesn't work out.

One might asked what caused me to be so awful, selfish and uncaring. Was I not loved enough as a child? Did no one hug me? Yes, I was loved - and quite a lot, I'll add - but somehow in the last year or so I realized that it's ok to say no. Apparently the world won't stop turning if I don't take on everything, every request, every dilemma, that comes my way. I'm not saying I won't lend a hand. I am saying that I won't upend my life because others are unwilling to take on responsibilities. And that's just going to have to be ok. If it were an uncontrollable situation that someone was in, then of course, I'm there. But if it's due to a lifetime of bad decisions and refusal to plan, then no, you're on your own this time. How does that saying go? A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

Whew! Now that's putting some heavy family shit out there. None of which they'd appreciate, and I mean, who would? Good thing none of those people read my blog, huh?

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