The Ultimate Answer

What is the one question you can never know the answer to? You know, the biggie. Is there a God?
Last night I had a strange dream. There was a room that you could go into that would either confirm or deny the existence of God. No explanation of how it happened, or how people found out about it. Sorry, dream wasn't THAT detailed. The catch was that you could not change your belief or life or actions based upon the answer, and you couldn't tell anyone what you saw - or didn't see - in the room. The world was going crazy, debates sprung up all over about whether people really wanted to know. There were religious people who claimed they didn't need some side show oracle to tell them what they already knew. There were atheists who said that anything they saw in the room would be invalid. And sorry, for any non-Christians, this was the Catholic God model. I don't know what non-Christians were expected to see. Or not see. Or what. Some absolute truth? Any of the guys above?

My question, absolutely hypothetical, is whether you'd go into this magic room. If there WAS an answer, would you opt to find out?

Time

Hours. Minutes. Days. Weeks. Months.
It's relative, of course (thank you, Mr. Einstein) and time seems to fly when you're having fun. But today, all day, I felt some strange sensation. Now that I've finally had a chance to sit down for longer than it takes to pee, I reluctantly recognize what this cerrping feeling is. Panic.
This week has been very hectic, and shows no signs of slowing down. Tomorrow, in between work and school, I'm escorting my mother to a wake. Yesterday I visted a friend and her son, and it was wonderful to see them, even if under less than ideal circumstances. Today I went to get a hair cut. That was great. But I felt terribly guilty for the time and cost. Monday..... I don't even recall.
Tonight I've got to study for tomorrow's test. My massive research paper for one of my major classes is due April 6. I've barely started. Daimean's birthday falls on Easter. I need to make Easter baskets. I have to arrange a birthday party. I *think* I have a meeting for the school's fundraiser next Tuesday, when I'm supposed to be using my spring break to work on aforementioned research paper. And I think I'm just about of dog food. I've spent next to no time with my boys since this weekend. And even then, we were busy with a baby shower.
I'm so overwhelmed today. Maybe tomorrow I'll slip back into my virtual suit of armor and be ok. Right now, I feel like closing my books, crawling into bed, and saying Fuck environmental biology. Forget the test. I don't care. But I won't, because that's just not me.

Have a Heart

And adopt a Catahoula today! Visit this site for more info, and to see pics of the cutest little 'houlas around.
As you may know, my Ilio is a Catahoula. He's my buddy, my protector, and my garbage disposal. Everyone deserves that kind of loyalty in their lives!

Murder Scene

That was Isaiah's bed this morning. When I walked in, it became highly apparent that he either had a nosebleed during the night, or he sacrificed a chicken in his bed.

He keeps drawing on random things in the house. With marker, of course. I mean, he's SIX, not 2! What the hell? He drew a basketball scene on the toilet paper/tissue tower thingie in the bathroom. I told him to erase it and he said, totally straight faced, "But momma, it's in PEN." Duh. Then he drew a shooting scene on the bunk bed frame. THEN I saw a few red, I don't know, amoebas? on the side table in the living room. Damn it! I asked him WHY on earth he'd do that when I already told him not to draw on anything but paper. His reply? "That one was before you told me."

One of these days.....

Almost Got Me

Yeah, I know why 90% of the people I go to school with are going for early childhood ed. Because they can do the education major and then just pick a minor. But me? Oh no, I'm doing secondary education. I have to have a real major, and then another education major. The result? Takes me twice as long.
So last night, in the wee hours, when I tend to obsess over everything, I almost broke down. I thought, if I drop the history major to a minor, I can finish a lot sooner and actually start teaching. BUT I wouldn't get to teach older kids.
This morning I awoke with a new sense of purpose, and my resolve is strong. I. WILL. FINISH.
Eventually.

I Know I'm Good

When Isaiah finished his homework last night, he took a red marker and drew a star and wrote "100" on it. I asked him what the heck he was doing, and he said, "Well, that's what my teacher does. I was just helping, I did it for her!"

Such confidence!!!

Not A Cry For Help

Oh, insecurity, you're a tricky little bastard, aren't you?

School and work and parenting and everything else at once isn't easy, but I had this idea that it was something like noble suffering, you know? Something like a trial. If I can make it through with my sanity (somewhat) intact, I win.
But what do I win?
The many times I've been told, directly and indirectly, that my hopes of getting a teaching position teaching high school history are nil, well, they're starting to create cracks in my fragile facade. What if I haul ass through school, somehow make it through student teaching, but DON'T get hired full time anywhere? I mean, look what happened with the police dept. Hauled ass through school, passed all their exams.... and still never got called. Yeah, I've been burned before.

Damn you, insecurity, for making me doubt myself.